one ticket, please

it's that dreaded time of year when you have to endure long and uncomfortable rides. whether you're going home for the holidays or leaving for vacation, i'm sure you're more excited to reach your destination than the hours you'll spend on the ass-cramping seats of the bus (don't worry, they have these small wonders of upholstered polyester on trains and planes too).
i'm taking an overnight bus tomorrow to nyc, so i thought it would be helpful to make a list of things that will keep you and your traveling buddy occupied. for those of you traveling alone, you are running the risk of sitting next to
a) the passenger who appears to have avoided all human contact for the last month (seriously, why else would they talk at you for the whole 10-hour ride)
b) the passenger who is eerily silent, keeps checking their watch, has absolutely no baggage and keeps one hand in their jacket pocket at all times. um...switch seats or get off the bus.
c) the passenger who is having a meltdown with their bf/gf on the phone, complete with waterworks, accusatory comebacks and...actually, this passenger might be fun to sit next to. unless they finally get off the phone and try to ask you for advice. in that case, just pretend to be sleeping.
so if you are solo for the ride, i recommend plugging in your earbuds and popping a valium.

for you lucky ones who are traveling with friends, here are some things you can do to help pass the time:
1) this one requires a pre-boarding warm-up: while waiting at your gate, scan the other passengers and find the one with the biggest hair (your best target would be an elevated 'do, something with curls or lots of hairspray).  grab a seat behind them on the bus and spend the whole ride trying to get as many objects (your shredded bus ticket, sandwich wrappers, dust bunnies) in their hair as possible without them noticing.
2) exchange phones with your friend for exactly 1 minute in a free-for-all text massacre. see who can send the most wildly inappropriate texts to anyone in your contact list (including your old driving instructor, carl) and spend the next hour sending apology texts to those few lucky recipients.
3) have your friend make a list of all your ex's/crushes/hookups and check to see how many they get right. if they get 100%, rest assured that you're traveling with a true blue friend. if not...give them the boot. just kidding. you have the rest of the ride to catch them up on anything they might have missed.
4) play what i like to call 'shuffle roulette'. give an earbud to your friend and put your ipod on shuffle. before each song, predict what it'll represent (i.e. "this next song will be the anthem of your wedding" or "this next song represents your next encounter with a toilet").
5) count to 20,000. it's actually really fun a fail-proof way to fall asleep, which happens to be the fastest way to make the time go by.

good luck and i hope you have a safe trip!
listening to: we're looking for a lot of love- hot chip